£35,000 to stay in Britain

News of the government’s new policy requiring citizens to earn £35,000 in order to remain in Britain is expected to cause an enormous backlash today as 40% of the UK population realised that they might be deported in the very near future.

The big surprise was that it appears that most of the banking sector, who had previously threatened to fuck off overseas if anyone tried to tax them, are now going to have to leave anyway because their own tax-evasion techniques meaning that their declared salaries don’t even come close to reaching the required threshold. Bob Diamond, Stuart Gulliver and Stephen Hester (the chair-fraudsters of Barclays, HSBC and RBS respectively) have been forced to charter their own gold-plated personal jets in order to take themselves and their top teams of grasping shites overseas on an emergency flight as soon as runways are available.

Meanwhile, Polish plumbers, perhaps the only sector of British society remaining who are able to make any significant contribution to the UK economy through income tax, shrugged and said something about strengthening their work ethic to make up the shortfall that this will leave them with in order that they can remain resident in the piss-poor United Kingdom – a nation where life is now so squalid and shoddy that even the bloody Scots want out.