Cheryl Cole was distraught after the 2011 Brit Awards when she failed to win either of the categories she was nominated for: Best Female Solo Artist or Best British Single.
One distraught fan said, “It’s terrible that her achievements have been overlooked: the way she overcame obstacles like not being able to sing and having no discernable musical talent whatsoever are an inspiration to us all. She’s like a whole series of X Factor all on her own.”
The fan took a long chug of some sickly-coloured alcopop and continued, “Look at what she’s been through recently: her sham marriage to that footballer is over but she can’t revert to her maiden name Tweedy because the memory of her violent racist attack on the nightclub toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa is still too raw for her to overcome.”
“Mind you,” she added, “she’s still really pretty: that fake hair and those silicon boobs – she’s just like a little Thai ladyboy. Apart from the lack of talent, obviously.”