BEDROOM TAX LATEST: Tories introduce married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance.

In an effort to preserve the harmony of the alleged ideal of marriage in the minds of an increasingly deranged electorate, the Conservative Party today announced that they would be introducing a married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance. This allowance has been designed to circumvent the bedroom tax for couples who might otherwise appear to be under-occupying their residences (and, indeed, each other).

The sanctified state of marriage has, of course, been the bedrock of Conservative thinking since the dawn of inequality – because it perpetuates the position of a privileged elite embedded firmly on top while the party beneath gets pumped on a regular basis – but it has often involved a marriage of convenience in which both parties suppressed their true desires and instead elected for a mutually unnatural union. And then there was the recent arrangement with the Lib Dems.

Because of the way these staged relationships so often played out, there had been concern that some Tories might have been left open to charges of having more bedrooms than they could strictly justify, and so the idea of partners using legally separate bedrooms had to be adopted and embraced by Conservatives in the very heart of their souls: tax cuts.

This change will, naturally, be implemented in a quite specific manner in order to ensure that other groups will not benefit from it – specifically, poor people whose children have flown the nest and, of course, the disabled – and thus it remains entirely consistent with the Conservative manifesto pledge to make poor people history.

Asked what kind of a difference this might make to the lives of those who are intentionally misrepresenting themselves in public life, Conservative Party chairman Michael Green said, “Well, we’ve made our beds, now we can continue to lie in them.”