Quest to Establish British Values Leads to Privatisation Fears

The coalition government’s quest to establish British ‘values’ has led to panic among some of the populace, who now fear that they are about to be privatised.

“It’s already well-established that this government undervalues many of its population – the young, the disabled, carers, nurses, civil servants, teachers, women and schoolchildren, to name but a few – so this would appear to be an entirely legitimate concern,” said a nervous outsourced public servant earlier today, “and, as we’ve already seen with the Post Office, that could very easily lead to them being sold-off hurriedly at well below market rates.”

Many people expressed disbelief that the coalition might even consider selling British citizens, but then fell into a strained, uncomfortable silence when it was pointed out to them that such a policy would be wholly consistent with the ethos of a government that has already attempted to sell the country’s forests, nature reserves, patient details, prisoner records, probation service, tax details, parts of the NHS and the very ground beneath people’s houses.

Meanwhile, Chinese and Russian billionaires, faceless pharmaceutical companies and tax-shy web-presences – all of whom have recently been acquiring swathes of properties in and around London – have begun to assemble in Kensington, apparently in preparation for another flash auction.

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Musings on Tax Avoidance Strategy

“It’s an interesting thing,” said Mr Clean, of the Shop-Front Windows Association, “because we’ve had a massive high street presence for donkey’s years and yet we’ve always been profitable and we’ve always managed to pay our tax. Indeed, our company accounts, like our products, are totally transparent.”

Mr Clean was speaking to us on a bustling street, leaning against the gigantic windows of one of the hundreds of branches of Starbucks which have, in recent years, spread like a profitless, untaxable plague, clogging the arteries of every town and city in the UK.

“It’s just a shame,” he said, rapping his fingers against the enormous, unmarked yet fragile, sparkling glass frontage, “that there isn’t a simple and obvious way to ensure that other major high street presences contribute in some way towards the local and national economy…”

He whistled absent-mindedly.

“Myself, I’ve always been a real sponger, of course. Honest,” he quipped drily, picking up his bucket and squeegee and heading off down the road without a backward glance.