XXX Factor No Longer What It Was

News reaches us today that producers of pornographic films are asking for their work to be reclassified by the British Board of Film Censors (BBFC).

“Put simply,” an industry insider told us today, “the letter X no longer seems to give people the idea of something exceptional, extreme or dangerous. It’s as though the very essence of its sense has been somehow cheapened. We’re at a loss to explain it.”

Apparently sales of X rated films have been in steady decline since 2004, although pornographers are confounded as to why. This Nuse reporter spoke to a BBFC representative to try to get a feel for the mood of the market.

“Well,” said Miss Honor Eposition, “we have some sympathy for this request, to be honest, because the letter X, which used to suggest something a bit saucy, now seems to be associated with utter mundanity. Indeed, since the launch of certain contemporary television programmes, the letter X seems to just suggest something bland, mundane and passionless in most people’s minds – the concept of mere paid actors who are just going through the motions without actually feeling anything. With a sound-track dubbed on afterwards…” She hesitated for a moment.

“Actually, maybe we’ll just leave things the way they are.”

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Undercovers Policing

The Home Office has announced that undercover police officers can have sex with suspects if it makes them more plausible. This has raised some interesting questions. Initially it was feared that it might reduce the number of bobbies active on the beat, but Bernard Hogan-Howe, the Metropolitan police chief, was quick to put paid to this concern.

‘If anything, I think this is going to increase the number of police officers out pounding the turf,’ he said in an exclusive interview with this Nuse reporter earlier today. ‘Moreover, I think that it’s great that we’ve increased the scope of what is permitted to be taken down and used in evidence.’

Activists and protesters who had been targeted in this way were most unhappy. One feminist, vegetarian, animal-rights supporter who we spoke to was clearly incensed by the news:

‘We’re not going to take this lying down,’ she said. However, when pressed further, she was not forthcoming on precisely what position her members would take.

A Crown Prosecution Service spokesperson told us, ‘It is a sad truth that those charged with illicit behaviour rarely come clean, and so it becomes necessary for the intelligence services to engage in subterfuge in order to gather hard evidence which will stand up in court. Obviously, it is vital for those embedded agents to keep their heads down, in case they blow their cover. The best advice we might offer would be for hardened criminals to always retain their briefs and hope not to be convicted on scanty evidence.’