NHS Reforms – an Interview with David Cameron

It being rather a quiet weekend news wise, this Nuse reporter managed to corner David Cameron in the bar of a private club and secure an interview “off the record” (whatever that means) regarding the reforms to the NHS which are being pushed through despite massive public opposition.

Nuse: “So, David, these ‘reforms’ – what exactly do they entail?”

David: “Well, if you believe what you read in the press then what I’m trying to do is dismantle the NHS so that every bit of profitable work is contracted out to private medical companies through a process of cherry-picking, meaning that all that will remain is a skeleton operation with no real chance of survival.”

Nuse: “And the truth is…?”

David: “Oh, that is the truth. Listen, this country is massively in debt and yet all the NHS does is to help preserve and maintain the wretched lives of the poor, the aged, the infirm and the obese, all of whom constitute a massive drain upon our society even when they are in good health. I mean, really, what’s the point? Everyone who matters goes private anyway.”

Nuse: “Isn’t that a little elitist? What happened to the Big Society you were talking about just recently?”

David: “We’ve already got a Big Society! Have you seen the size of them out there? Really, trying to keep some of those flesh mountains alive is just pointless. Anyway, in these times of financial austerity, surely it makes sense that supporting these hangers-on is a luxury which we can no longer afford. More to the point, Britain will be much more popular as a magnet for foreign investment and tourism if we strip the population back to only affluent, healthy, slender, young and attractive people.”

Nuse: “But isn’t that in direct contradiction of your manifesto?”

David: “Yes… but, more importantly, it’s in direct contradiction of the LibDem’s manifesto. At the last election they were starting to look like a credible force who might have seriously threatened our tradition of two-party politics in the UK but, now that they’re in coalition with us, we can force through all the policies we’ve been wanting to implement for decades and simultaneously destroy their credibility. Then we can go back to just carving it up between us and Labour every few years.”

Nuse: “You talk like you’re almost on the same team.”

David: “Well, we were all at school together… us and the bankers, of course.”

Nuse: “The bankers? But surely they’re to blame for all this.”

David: “Blame is a strong word – another G&T, please – I mean, listen, bankers are bankers: you can scarcely reprimand them for behaving like bankers; it’d be like lambasting the general public for being idiots. Let me give you an example: everybody blamed Labour for the fiscal crisis because they were in charge when the economy collapsed, so then we won the next election despite the fact that most of the Conservative party actually are the bankers! It was at that point that we realised we were wasting money trying to educate them at all – hence the education cuts – and so, there being limited employment opportunities for idiots, we figured that removing free health care was the easiest way to cull them.”

Nuse: “So all of your education promises and ‘I agree with Nick’ comments were lies?”

David: “Well, what can I tell you: politicians are politicians… Anyway, I’ve got to be going. It was nice talking to you – good to be able to speak freely for a change. I hope I can bank upon your support in the future.”

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Quest to Establish British Values Leads to Privatisation Fears

The coalition government’s quest to establish British ‘values’ has led to panic among some of the populace, who now fear that they are about to be privatised.

“It’s already well-established that this government undervalues many of its population – the young, the disabled, carers, nurses, civil servants, teachers, women and schoolchildren, to name but a few – so this would appear to be an entirely legitimate concern,” said a nervous outsourced public servant earlier today, “and, as we’ve already seen with the Post Office, that could very easily lead to them being sold-off hurriedly at well below market rates.”

Many people expressed disbelief that the coalition might even consider selling British citizens, but then fell into a strained, uncomfortable silence when it was pointed out to them that such a policy would be wholly consistent with the ethos of a government that has already attempted to sell the country’s forests, nature reserves, patient details, prisoner records, probation service, tax details, parts of the NHS and the very ground beneath people’s houses.

Meanwhile, Chinese and Russian billionaires, faceless pharmaceutical companies and tax-shy web-presences – all of whom have recently been acquiring swathes of properties in and around London – have begun to assemble in Kensington, apparently in preparation for another flash auction.