NHS Reforms – an Interview with David Cameron

It being rather a quiet weekend news wise, this Nuse reporter managed to corner David Cameron in the bar of a private club and secure an interview “off the record” (whatever that means) regarding the reforms to the NHS which are being pushed through despite massive public opposition.

Nuse: “So, David, these ‘reforms’ – what exactly do they entail?”

David: “Well, if you believe what you read in the press then what I’m trying to do is dismantle the NHS so that every bit of profitable work is contracted out to private medical companies through a process of cherry-picking, meaning that all that will remain is a skeleton operation with no real chance of survival.”

Nuse: “And the truth is…?”

David: “Oh, that is the truth. Listen, this country is massively in debt and yet all the NHS does is to help preserve and maintain the wretched lives of the poor, the aged, the infirm and the obese, all of whom constitute a massive drain upon our society even when they are in good health. I mean, really, what’s the point? Everyone who matters goes private anyway.”

Nuse: “Isn’t that a little elitist? What happened to the Big Society you were talking about just recently?”

David: “We’ve already got a Big Society! Have you seen the size of them out there? Really, trying to keep some of those flesh mountains alive is just pointless. Anyway, in these times of financial austerity, surely it makes sense that supporting these hangers-on is a luxury which we can no longer afford. More to the point, Britain will be much more popular as a magnet for foreign investment and tourism if we strip the population back to only affluent, healthy, slender, young and attractive people.”

Nuse: “But isn’t that in direct contradiction of your manifesto?”

David: “Yes… but, more importantly, it’s in direct contradiction of the LibDem’s manifesto. At the last election they were starting to look like a credible force who might have seriously threatened our tradition of two-party politics in the UK but, now that they’re in coalition with us, we can force through all the policies we’ve been wanting to implement for decades and simultaneously destroy their credibility. Then we can go back to just carving it up between us and Labour every few years.”

Nuse: “You talk like you’re almost on the same team.”

David: “Well, we were all at school together… us and the bankers, of course.”

Nuse: “The bankers? But surely they’re to blame for all this.”

David: “Blame is a strong word – another G&T, please – I mean, listen, bankers are bankers: you can scarcely reprimand them for behaving like bankers; it’d be like lambasting the general public for being idiots. Let me give you an example: everybody blamed Labour for the fiscal crisis because they were in charge when the economy collapsed, so then we won the next election despite the fact that most of the Conservative party actually are the bankers! It was at that point that we realised we were wasting money trying to educate them at all – hence the education cuts – and so, there being limited employment opportunities for idiots, we figured that removing free health care was the easiest way to cull them.”

Nuse: “So all of your education promises and ‘I agree with Nick’ comments were lies?”

David: “Well, what can I tell you: politicians are politicians… Anyway, I’ve got to be going. It was nice talking to you – good to be able to speak freely for a change. I hope I can bank upon your support in the future.”

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The Last Breath of the NHS

The NHS has been criticised for being “too quick to resuscitate” in a recent report.

The paper, produced jointly by the BBC and ITV, suggested that extending the delay before resuscitation attempts were initiated would add to levels of suspense and that this would be a valuable device when transposed to the many hospital-based soaps which are broadcast incessantly night after bloody night.

“We try to keep our docu-suds as realistic and true-to-life as possible,” said a television spokesbod earlier today, “but it would really help the flow of the dramatic narrative if the medical profession was prepared to meet us halfway. I mean, drugs locked away safely in secure cabinets, insistence upon sobriety on duty, adherence to ‘live-patient’ policy and the like are all very well but they don’t do a great deal for excitement and tension. The most interesting thing to happen in the medical world recently was Harold Shipman, but I’m pretty sure we’ve milked that for all it’s worth by now. Medicine simply isn’t dangerous enough anymore…

“Thank goodness for this government’s health reforms – now at least we’ll be able to construct some proper plots with angles like politics, bribery, industrial espionage, competition, fraud and corruption. After all, like they say: the under-cut is the deepest.”