Tesco Offers Value Divorces

Tesco, which some older readers might remember used to be a grocery shop, today moved into the matrimonial market by offering Tesco Value Divorces alongside all its other legal, insurance, telephone, petrol and banking paraphernalia.

Apparently the idea came to them after witnessing heated arguments and potential break-up situations occurring between couples on a regular basis every Saturday and Sunday.

“With more opportunities to shop together, every hour of almost every single soul-sucking day – especially now that every bloody thing can be bought under one roof – the fractious effects on relationships have become almost irresistible. It’s rather like going for a day out in the seventh circle of hell, only with worse music,” said one shop worker.

A Tesco spokesperson added, “It seemed the logical next step for us in order to complete the circle which we’ve had established for years. After all, we’ve been encouraging our customers to walk down the aisle together for years – ha-ha – and all of our cashiers are familiar with the concept of till death us do part.”

Here the spokesperson smirked in a self-satisfied way which provoked, in this reporter, thoughts of a more than usually murderous intent. They were swiftly subdued and the spokesperson continued.

“Plus, in a recession, we have to move into the growth markets and, after all, paying over-the-odds for cut-price misery and disappointment has become one of the hallmarks of our business. Anyway, we’ve already cornered the market on every other damned aspect of your pathetic, grasping, desperate, consumption-filled lives.”