H from Steps was Miming – Shock News

Ian Watkins, the acclaimed H from Steps, has sensationally revealed that he was miming in all of the tribute group’s songs.

“Well, Pete Waterman wanted to try to emulate the success of ABBA,” he said in an interview with this Nuse reporter earlier today, “and, given his startling talent for originality and fresh ideas, he thought that the best way to achieve this might be to look and sound exactly like them. Unfortunately, there were five of us which meant that, as an outfit, we were one female member heavy (an issue also rumoured to be a problem for the current chart darling, Lady Gaga) [Can we print this? Get a sub-editor to check] so we were probably going to have to lose one of the girls.”

However, things took an unsettling turn when Waterman tried to become more cosmopolitan.

“Pete was spending a lot of time in London and he realised that everybody there was always dropping their aitches,” he revealed. “He took me aside and said that, given that my name was H, this obviously meant that my presence within the band presented an obstacle to our acceptance among the capital city’s musical connoisseurs.”

Panicked, H did some hasty research in the Institute of Polyphonic Research and Linguistics and was able to construct a counter argument. He swiftly organised another meeting with Waterman and put forward his case.

“I explained to him that the actual trend amongst the true social elite was for a fashionably silent aitch,” he related, “and so, to be truly appealing to our core target market, I ought to be seen but not heard. Pete agreed immediately and so it was decided that I should be placed prominently in all of our videos but would only ever lip-synch. I was dubbed Silent H by the other band members and the rest, as they say, is ‘istory.”

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An Interview with Her Majesty the Queen

Nuse International was unexpectedly granted a rare audience with Her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas this week. Shocked, flabbergasted and overwhelmed, this reporter nonetheless felt compelled to take up the invitation. Arriving promptly, I was shown into the throne room and, shortly thereafter, Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II entered and took her seat.

She offered me her hand.

HRH: And what do you do?

Nuse: On this occasion, Your Majesty, an interview. Madam, this is truly a privilege and an honour. Please could you tell me, what are your fondest memories as a member of the Royal Household?

HRH: Oh, one has enjoyed so many wonderful moments – the children, the weddings, the funeral, the jubilees – but few can compare to one’s whirlwind romance with Philip…

Nuse: How lovely. Please, tell me more.

HRH: Well, when one first met Prince Philip, he knocked one out.

Nuse: Really? Wasn’t that a little forward?

HRH: Oh, not at all – one’s suitors were carefully selected so one had come to expect it. Breeding is very important, one must understand.

Nuse: I suppose it must be. Did you have many dates?

HRH: Well, one wanted to sneak out to be with the Prince alone and anonymously. I remember, on our first date, Philip smuggled one out of town to an obscure vegetarian restaurant. We dined unmolested, able to simply relax in one another’s company, and then, afterwards, the Prince took one home and dropped one behind the palace.

Nuse: That must have caused a bit of a stink!

HRH: One might have expected so, but no; we were most fortunate because it went unnoticed. One invited Philip in for a quick one and, in the end, I thought it was best that he should stay the night in the palace, once he had had one over the eight…

Her Majesty got a glassy look in her eye at this point and trailed off, lost in reverie; then she went for “a bit of a lie down.”

At this point, the household staff escorted this Nuse reporter back through the palace, showed him the door and then kicked him soundly through it and down the palace steps.

Cheryl Cole Snubbed at Brits

Cheryl Cole was distraught after the 2011 Brit Awards when she failed to win either of the categories she was nominated for: Best Female Solo Artist or Best British Single.

One distraught fan said, “It’s terrible that her achievements have been overlooked: the way she overcame obstacles like not being able to sing and having no discernable musical talent whatsoever are an inspiration to us all. She’s like a whole series of X Factor all on her own.”

The fan took a long chug of some sickly-coloured alcopop and continued, “Look at what she’s been through recently: her sham marriage to that footballer is over but she can’t revert to her maiden name Tweedy because the memory of her violent racist attack on the nightclub toilet attendant Sophie Amogbokpa is still too raw for her to overcome.”

“Mind you,” she added, “she’s still really pretty: that fake hair and those silicon boobs – she’s just like a little Thai ladyboy. Apart from the lack of talent, obviously.”