NHS Reforms – an Interview with David Cameron

It being rather a quiet weekend news wise, this Nuse reporter managed to corner David Cameron in the bar of a private club and secure an interview “off the record” (whatever that means) regarding the reforms to the NHS which are being pushed through despite massive public opposition.

Nuse: “So, David, these ‘reforms’ – what exactly do they entail?”

David: “Well, if you believe what you read in the press then what I’m trying to do is dismantle the NHS so that every bit of profitable work is contracted out to private medical companies through a process of cherry-picking, meaning that all that will remain is a skeleton operation with no real chance of survival.”

Nuse: “And the truth is…?”

David: “Oh, that is the truth. Listen, this country is massively in debt and yet all the NHS does is to help preserve and maintain the wretched lives of the poor, the aged, the infirm and the obese, all of whom constitute a massive drain upon our society even when they are in good health. I mean, really, what’s the point? Everyone who matters goes private anyway.”

Nuse: “Isn’t that a little elitist? What happened to the Big Society you were talking about just recently?”

David: “We’ve already got a Big Society! Have you seen the size of them out there? Really, trying to keep some of those flesh mountains alive is just pointless. Anyway, in these times of financial austerity, surely it makes sense that supporting these hangers-on is a luxury which we can no longer afford. More to the point, Britain will be much more popular as a magnet for foreign investment and tourism if we strip the population back to only affluent, healthy, slender, young and attractive people.”

Nuse: “But isn’t that in direct contradiction of your manifesto?”

David: “Yes… but, more importantly, it’s in direct contradiction of the LibDem’s manifesto. At the last election they were starting to look like a credible force who might have seriously threatened our tradition of two-party politics in the UK but, now that they’re in coalition with us, we can force through all the policies we’ve been wanting to implement for decades and simultaneously destroy their credibility. Then we can go back to just carving it up between us and Labour every few years.”

Nuse: “You talk like you’re almost on the same team.”

David: “Well, we were all at school together… us and the bankers, of course.”

Nuse: “The bankers? But surely they’re to blame for all this.”

David: “Blame is a strong word – another G&T, please – I mean, listen, bankers are bankers: you can scarcely reprimand them for behaving like bankers; it’d be like lambasting the general public for being idiots. Let me give you an example: everybody blamed Labour for the fiscal crisis because they were in charge when the economy collapsed, so then we won the next election despite the fact that most of the Conservative party actually are the bankers! It was at that point that we realised we were wasting money trying to educate them at all – hence the education cuts – and so, there being limited employment opportunities for idiots, we figured that removing free health care was the easiest way to cull them.”

Nuse: “So all of your education promises and ‘I agree with Nick’ comments were lies?”

David: “Well, what can I tell you: politicians are politicians… Anyway, I’ve got to be going. It was nice talking to you – good to be able to speak freely for a change. I hope I can bank upon your support in the future.”

Advertisements

Archbishop Criticises Coalition

The Archbishop of Canterbury this week spoke to Nuse International to criticise the Coalition Government – attacking the very heart of its ethos.

“It makes no sense,” he said. “We had God the Father and the Son but what’s all this Holy Ghost nonsense? A shadowy figure on the edge of mainstream religion with no mandate to influence church policy, that’s what!”

The Archbishop then turned his attention to politics.

“And why are the government trying to muscle in on what’s traditionally been the Church’s territory? What’s all this Big Society ‘be good to thy neighbour’ nonsense? The whole idea of charity is that people try to help each other for good, not just to save the government money!

“I tell you, it was bad enough when the establishment started with all that CCTV nonsense and with monitoring emails and communications so that every single thing was watched and recorded in case people were ‘sinning’. Guilt and fear is the domain of the church – it’s traditional! Have we ever tried to influence political direction or wars?”

David Cameron reacted by saying that he was very happy that the church felt it was able to express political opinions, even though he disagreed with them entirely, and that he thought it did a good job in society whilst providing people with a source of faith and hope. “Nonetheless,” he suggested, “in these times of austerity, and as a part of our relentless program of the destruction of everything about British society, I think it might be prudent to consider closing down some underused churches…”

BBC Lambasted for Not Broadcasting the C Word

The BBC has been lambasted after Sandy Toksvig did not use an offensive word on The News Quiz on Radio 4 last October. Specifically, Miss Toksvig quipped that, “It’s the Tories who have put the n into cuts,” in reference to cuts in child benefit.

Many MPs and campaigners are seemingly furious, claiming that the use of the phrase carries connotations of sexual abuse, whilst apparently remaining unconcerned about the actual abuse of children resultant from their policies.

John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons Culture, Media and Sport select committee, which has been responsible for a huge bunch of cuts, said, “The vast majority of people still regard this an offensive term,” possibly in reference to his government’s term in office. We weren’t really paying attention, to be honest.

The original complaint was made by Colin Harrow, a retired newspaper executive, who oversaw massive cuts during his time at Mirror Group Newspapers. Mr Harrow, who was group managing editor during the era when The Mirror published fake photos of soldiers torturing Iraqi prisoners, said that he felt the reference was unacceptable and that the BBC wasn’t living up to the expectations of its audience.

The story has been run in the press by The Mail on Sunday, who regularly bash the BBC and love to be outraged and scandalised by absolutely anything. Mail Online has been filled with ill-informed reactions indicating utter hypocrisy and a basic failure to read the story properly. Like always. Mail Group newspapers, incidentally, have been subjected to relentless cuts over the last few years.

In unrelated news, the BBC have announced that Danish-born Sandy Toksvig is to present a series of programmes on her homeland, beginning with a documentary on King Cnut. As a Danish prince, Cnut won the throne of England in 1016, since which time there have been many generations of Cnuts on these shores.

Quest to Establish British Values Leads to Privatisation Fears

The coalition government’s quest to establish British ‘values’ has led to panic among some of the populace, who now fear that they are about to be privatised.

“It’s already well-established that this government undervalues many of its population – the young, the disabled, carers, nurses, civil servants, teachers, women and schoolchildren, to name but a few – so this would appear to be an entirely legitimate concern,” said a nervous outsourced public servant earlier today, “and, as we’ve already seen with the Post Office, that could very easily lead to them being sold-off hurriedly at well below market rates.”

Many people expressed disbelief that the coalition might even consider selling British citizens, but then fell into a strained, uncomfortable silence when it was pointed out to them that such a policy would be wholly consistent with the ethos of a government that has already attempted to sell the country’s forests, nature reserves, patient details, prisoner records, probation service, tax details, parts of the NHS and the very ground beneath people’s houses.

Meanwhile, Chinese and Russian billionaires, faceless pharmaceutical companies and tax-shy web-presences – all of whom have recently been acquiring swathes of properties in and around London – have begun to assemble in Kensington, apparently in preparation for another flash auction.

The Last Breath of the NHS

The NHS has been criticised for being “too quick to resuscitate” in a recent report.

The paper, produced jointly by the BBC and ITV, suggested that extending the delay before resuscitation attempts were initiated would add to levels of suspense and that this would be a valuable device when transposed to the many hospital-based soaps which are broadcast incessantly night after bloody night.

“We try to keep our docu-suds as realistic and true-to-life as possible,” said a television spokesbod earlier today, “but it would really help the flow of the dramatic narrative if the medical profession was prepared to meet us halfway. I mean, drugs locked away safely in secure cabinets, insistence upon sobriety on duty, adherence to ‘live-patient’ policy and the like are all very well but they don’t do a great deal for excitement and tension. The most interesting thing to happen in the medical world recently was Harold Shipman, but I’m pretty sure we’ve milked that for all it’s worth by now. Medicine simply isn’t dangerous enough anymore…

“Thank goodness for this government’s health reforms – now at least we’ll be able to construct some proper plots with angles like politics, bribery, industrial espionage, competition, fraud and corruption. After all, like they say: the under-cut is the deepest.”