Journalist Arrested Over Police Corruption

Detectives from the Metropolitan Police today arrested a 48-year-old News International journalist in connection with claims that he had bribed members of the Metropolitan Police.

“It’s been a tough investigation,” one officer told this Nuse reporter at lunchtime today in exchange for a pie and a pint in the Bobby’s Helmet. “First we went back through our files with no luck and then we looked over hours of CCTV footage, also to no avail. Eventually somebody had the bright idea of looking at the name on the cheques and then we were away. Fortunately we already knew exactly what he looked like.”

The arrested man was taken to a west London police station for a reunion. Bail is expected to be posted later in a plain brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes.

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BEDROOM TAX LATEST: Tories introduce married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance.

In an effort to preserve the harmony of the alleged ideal of marriage in the minds of an increasingly deranged electorate, the Conservative Party today announced that they would be introducing a married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance. This allowance has been designed to circumvent the bedroom tax for couples who might otherwise appear to be under-occupying their residences (and, indeed, each other).

The sanctified state of marriage has, of course, been the bedrock of Conservative thinking since the dawn of inequality – because it perpetuates the position of a privileged elite embedded firmly on top while the party beneath gets pumped on a regular basis – but it has often involved a marriage of convenience in which both parties suppressed their true desires and instead elected for a mutually unnatural union. And then there was the recent arrangement with the Lib Dems.

Because of the way these staged relationships so often played out, there had been concern that some Tories might have been left open to charges of having more bedrooms than they could strictly justify, and so the idea of partners using legally separate bedrooms had to be adopted and embraced by Conservatives in the very heart of their souls: tax cuts.

This change will, naturally, be implemented in a quite specific manner in order to ensure that other groups will not benefit from it – specifically, poor people whose children have flown the nest and, of course, the disabled – and thus it remains entirely consistent with the Conservative manifesto pledge to make poor people history.

Asked what kind of a difference this might make to the lives of those who are intentionally misrepresenting themselves in public life, Conservative Party chairman Michael Green said, “Well, we’ve made our beds, now we can continue to lie in them.”