DIY Terrorism

The appalling state of education in the UK has been highlighted by MI6 in a damning report investigating terror cells and the radicalisation of disenfranchised Muslim youths in inner-cities.

“We first became aware of this trend by monitoring coded transmissions and picking up traffic on Facebook and Twitter,” we were told by Sir John Sawyers, the recently-appointed head of MI6, in an exclusive interview earlier today. “It’s notoriously difficult to follow because, whilst the coded transmissions are the very devil to decode, at least they tend to form real words. Twitter and Facebook, on the other hand, contain such dreadfully incomprehensible English that they make us long for the old days and the elegant simplicity of cracking something of substance like the Enigma Code.” He sighed and ran his finger around the brim of a rather tall brandy glass before taking what one might only describe as a fairly hefty sip.

“Anyway, what with schools hardly bothering to try to educate kids any more and the ridiculous use of phonics as a teaching device – bloody nonsense that is! – it seems that these youths frankly struggle to even understand each other and so, when we did happen upon a cell of radicalised Islamic youths, they seemed to have become confused and were passing around tips for applying on-line for recruitment into Ikea.”

He sighed and sank further into his plush, red leather chair before he continued, “To be perfectly honest, if this is the quality of what’s coming up in the next generation then it makes our role appear to be almost redundant. Al Qaeda doesn’t even sound like Ikea – not that much, anyway – and they don’t exactly behave like a terrorist cell. I mean, what do they think they’re planning? Do they really think that they can destroy Western society by trapping people into wasting their lives wandering around interminable mazes and then spending all their spare time trying to assemble inscrutable, flat-pack furniture…?”

Sir John stared into the middle-distance for a moment and then sat bolt upright. “The bastards!” he exclaimed, before ushering us swiftly out of his office as he reached for a large red telephone on his desk.

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Al-Qaeda Planning Cyber Jihad

Theresa May, the Home Secretary, this week warned that al-Qaeda has called for a ‘cyber jihad’ that could involve using Facebook and Twitter to plan attacks.

However, she did also add that al-Qaeda was now weaker than they have been at any time since the attacks of September 11, 2001.

When asked to comment, an outraged al-Qaeda spokesperson expounded to this Nuse journalist, “Weaker than at any time since the attacks of September 11? I think you’ll find we put in a pretty strong performance on that day! Having said which, admittedly, it did leave us nineteen guys down…”