A Sorry Excuse for a Song

A 1960s sports car, reputedly once owned by Sir Paul McCartney, was recently sold in Sussex. It now transpires that this particular vehicle may indeed have a considerably more significant history than was at first realised…

The then twenty-five year old Paul McCartney met Linda Eastman in 1967 and married her in 1969. After the break-up of The Beatles in 1970, Paul taught Linda to play keyboards and subsequently encouraged her to take an active part in the line-up of his new band Wings.

Linda hated to fly (her mother had tragically died in an American Airlines crash in Queens, New York in 1972), and so the couple always chose to drive to their holiday retreat in High Park Farm, on the peninsula of Kintyre. One day, in July of 1977, they were heading back to London with Paul at the wheel of his Lamborghini 400 GT when there was an almighty bang and the car veered towards the side of the road. Macca managed to bring the vehicle to a safe stand and staggered out, anticipating that his splendid new Italian toy might be badly damaged. Luckily it was only the front nearside tyre that had suffered a blow-out, but it was clearly irreparable. No spare was available and they were miles from anywhere.

“Muth’ fuckin’ tyre!” exclaimed Paul in exasperation and dismay.

Linda gently enquired from the front passenger seat whether Paul had just cursed.

Now, not only was Linda a strict vegetarian, believing passionately in not harming animals, but, as a Jewish-American, she was also fiercely opposed to swearing from any quarter. Paul, suddenly cognisant of this fact and eager not to be out-of-favour with Linda, as they would undoubtedly be walking some miles in search of the nearest telephone box, thought on his feet and said, “What? No, I’m toying with an idea for a new song for the band – I’m going to call it, um, Mull of, uh, Kintyre. It’ll be about how beautiful it is up here and how it’s the best place in the world to be if your car breaks down; what do you think about that for a new one?”

Stuck with the lie, once they’d finally managed to return to London, Paul and Linda soon began work on what was to be Wings’ greatest hit, selling over two million copies and becoming the UK’s best-selling single ever – an accolade it held until Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” in 1984.

The rest, as they say, is history.

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Opinion: Sexism in Language

Working in an occasionally busy office environment, where mistakes are major and aplenty, I often hear terms like “They’ve made a boob there!” “Everything’s gone tits-up!” and so forth. It fills me with melancholy that these are seemingly still quite popular expressions which make little or no attempt to conceal the indisputable truth that femininity is seen by some as a justification for mistrust or ridicule in the world in general and, more particularly, in that of business.

It is depressing that these terms are often bandied about with no regard for the stigma towards women which they continue to embed in the psyche of the nation – that a bunch of charlies can continue to speak in this way, unchallenged over their institutional sexism, seems anachronistic. What I find particularly incongruous is that a great many people obviously do not keep abreast of regulations about sexism in the workplace (which constitutes a major cock-up). One can only hope that poetic justice finds a way and that these companies end up going bust. How feeble-minded it is that some people still consider anything not male to inherently be bad. Ignorant cunts.

Love, Honour and ebay

In what some might see as a logical extension of the trend of meeting partners over the internet and the fashion for buying in spouses from overseas, a new pattern has emerged whereby a growing number of couples – taking a rather radical interpretation of their wedding vows – have started actually trading their partners on the popular website ebay.

 

“As I see it,” Paul Haines of Southampton, who traded his wife of fifteen years for a barbecue set and garden hose, told us, “these vows were originally concocted in a far more primitive age and need their interpretation to be updated for the internet generation.”

 

The Church of England hesitantly accepted this new approach to the concept of matrimony, allowing that the continuous trading of spouses will at least guarantee that marriage is, once again, for life, even if not necessarily with one continuous partner.

 

The Vatican, meanwhile, refused to give us a quote, but it is believed that, so long as contraception is kept out of the picture, they are not particularly bothered. Indeed, there is some speculation that the Catholic Church, who have never allowed divorce, is now considering actually introducing the concept of officially open marriages, with roaming charges levied according to usage.

 

However, some disgruntled ebay shoppers have expressed dissatisfaction at the condition of the goods which they have received.

 

Mr Hobbs, of Lewisham, told our reporter, “Felicia was described on the site as being ‘new, hardly used’, but when she arrived she was badly crumpled and had obvious signs of heavy former usage.”

 

Kirsty of Bristol was far happier, however. “I traded in my old man and got a Fly-Mo and a family-sized pack of AA batteries,” she giggled.