Hilary Benn compared to Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini

Hilary Benn was reportedly annoyed this week after being compared to Adolf Hitler and Benito Mussolini by Tosh McDonald, the president of the train drivers’ union ASLEF.

“I don’t get it!” reacted Mr McDonald. “What is he upset about? It was a compliment. Ask anyone – everybody knows that Hitler and Mussolini got the trains to run on time – they were famous for it.”

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Journalist Arrested Over Police Corruption

Detectives from the Metropolitan Police today arrested a 48-year-old News International journalist in connection with claims that he had bribed members of the Metropolitan Police.

“It’s been a tough investigation,” one officer told this Nuse reporter at lunchtime today in exchange for a pie and a pint in the Bobby’s Helmet. “First we went back through our files with no luck and then we looked over hours of CCTV footage, also to no avail. Eventually somebody had the bright idea of looking at the name on the cheques and then we were away. Fortunately we already knew exactly what he looked like.”

The arrested man was taken to a west London police station for a reunion. Bail is expected to be posted later in a plain brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes.

BEDROOM TAX LATEST: Tories introduce married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance.

In an effort to preserve the harmony of the alleged ideal of marriage in the minds of an increasingly deranged electorate, the Conservative Party today announced that they would be introducing a married-persons-sleeping-in-separate-bedrooms tax allowance. This allowance has been designed to circumvent the bedroom tax for couples who might otherwise appear to be under-occupying their residences (and, indeed, each other).

The sanctified state of marriage has, of course, been the bedrock of Conservative thinking since the dawn of inequality – because it perpetuates the position of a privileged elite embedded firmly on top while the party beneath gets pumped on a regular basis – but it has often involved a marriage of convenience in which both parties suppressed their true desires and instead elected for a mutually unnatural union. And then there was the recent arrangement with the Lib Dems.

Because of the way these staged relationships so often played out, there had been concern that some Tories might have been left open to charges of having more bedrooms than they could strictly justify, and so the idea of partners using legally separate bedrooms had to be adopted and embraced by Conservatives in the very heart of their souls: tax cuts.

This change will, naturally, be implemented in a quite specific manner in order to ensure that other groups will not benefit from it – specifically, poor people whose children have flown the nest and, of course, the disabled – and thus it remains entirely consistent with the Conservative manifesto pledge to make poor people history.

Asked what kind of a difference this might make to the lives of those who are intentionally misrepresenting themselves in public life, Conservative Party chairman Michael Green said, “Well, we’ve made our beds, now we can continue to lie in them.”

H from Steps was Miming – Shock News

Ian Watkins, the acclaimed H from Steps, has sensationally revealed that he was miming in all of the tribute group’s songs.

“Well, Pete Waterman wanted to try to emulate the success of ABBA,” he said in an interview with this Nuse reporter earlier today, “and, given his startling talent for originality and fresh ideas, he thought that the best way to achieve this might be to look and sound exactly like them. Unfortunately, there were five of us which meant that, as an outfit, we were one female member heavy (an issue also rumoured to be a problem for the current chart darling, Lady Gaga) [Can we print this? Get a sub-editor to check] so we were probably going to have to lose one of the girls.”

However, things took an unsettling turn when Waterman tried to become more cosmopolitan.

“Pete was spending a lot of time in London and he realised that everybody there was always dropping their aitches,” he revealed. “He took me aside and said that, given that my name was H, this obviously meant that my presence within the band presented an obstacle to our acceptance among the capital city’s musical connoisseurs.”

Panicked, H did some hasty research in the Institute of Polyphonic Research and Linguistics and was able to construct a counter argument. He swiftly organised another meeting with Waterman and put forward his case.

“I explained to him that the actual trend amongst the true social elite was for a fashionably silent aitch,” he related, “and so, to be truly appealing to our core target market, I ought to be seen but not heard. Pete agreed immediately and so it was decided that I should be placed prominently in all of our videos but would only ever lip-synch. I was dubbed Silent H by the other band members and the rest, as they say, is ‘istory.”

NHS Reforms – an Interview with David Cameron

It being rather a quiet weekend news wise, this Nuse reporter managed to corner David Cameron in the bar of a private club and secure an interview “off the record” (whatever that means) regarding the reforms to the NHS which are being pushed through despite massive public opposition.

Nuse: “So, David, these ‘reforms’ – what exactly do they entail?”

David: “Well, if you believe what you read in the press then what I’m trying to do is dismantle the NHS so that every bit of profitable work is contracted out to private medical companies through a process of cherry-picking, meaning that all that will remain is a skeleton operation with no real chance of survival.”

Nuse: “And the truth is…?”

David: “Oh, that is the truth. Listen, this country is massively in debt and yet all the NHS does is to help preserve and maintain the wretched lives of the poor, the aged, the infirm and the obese, all of whom constitute a massive drain upon our society even when they are in good health. I mean, really, what’s the point? Everyone who matters goes private anyway.”

Nuse: “Isn’t that a little elitist? What happened to the Big Society you were talking about just recently?”

David: “We’ve already got a Big Society! Have you seen the size of them out there? Really, trying to keep some of those flesh mountains alive is just pointless. Anyway, in these times of financial austerity, surely it makes sense that supporting these hangers-on is a luxury which we can no longer afford. More to the point, Britain will be much more popular as a magnet for foreign investment and tourism if we strip the population back to only affluent, healthy, slender, young and attractive people.”

Nuse: “But isn’t that in direct contradiction of your manifesto?”

David: “Yes… but, more importantly, it’s in direct contradiction of the LibDem’s manifesto. At the last election they were starting to look like a credible force who might have seriously threatened our tradition of two-party politics in the UK but, now that they’re in coalition with us, we can force through all the policies we’ve been wanting to implement for decades and simultaneously destroy their credibility. Then we can go back to just carving it up between us and Labour every few years.”

Nuse: “You talk like you’re almost on the same team.”

David: “Well, we were all at school together… us and the bankers, of course.”

Nuse: “The bankers? But surely they’re to blame for all this.”

David: “Blame is a strong word – another G&T, please – I mean, listen, bankers are bankers: you can scarcely reprimand them for behaving like bankers; it’d be like lambasting the general public for being idiots. Let me give you an example: everybody blamed Labour for the fiscal crisis because they were in charge when the economy collapsed, so then we won the next election despite the fact that most of the Conservative party actually are the bankers! It was at that point that we realised we were wasting money trying to educate them at all – hence the education cuts – and so, there being limited employment opportunities for idiots, we figured that removing free health care was the easiest way to cull them.”

Nuse: “So all of your education promises and ‘I agree with Nick’ comments were lies?”

David: “Well, what can I tell you: politicians are politicians… Anyway, I’ve got to be going. It was nice talking to you – good to be able to speak freely for a change. I hope I can bank upon your support in the future.”

Archbishop Criticises Coalition

The Archbishop of Canterbury this week spoke to Nuse International to criticise the Coalition Government – attacking the very heart of its ethos.

“It makes no sense,” he said. “We had God the Father and the Son but what’s all this Holy Ghost nonsense? A shadowy figure on the edge of mainstream religion with no mandate to influence church policy, that’s what!”

The Archbishop then turned his attention to politics.

“And why are the government trying to muscle in on what’s traditionally been the Church’s territory? What’s all this Big Society ‘be good to thy neighbour’ nonsense? The whole idea of charity is that people try to help each other for good, not just to save the government money!

“I tell you, it was bad enough when the establishment started with all that CCTV nonsense and with monitoring emails and communications so that every single thing was watched and recorded in case people were ‘sinning’. Guilt and fear is the domain of the church – it’s traditional! Have we ever tried to influence political direction or wars?”

David Cameron reacted by saying that he was very happy that the church felt it was able to express political opinions, even though he disagreed with them entirely, and that he thought it did a good job in society whilst providing people with a source of faith and hope. “Nonetheless,” he suggested, “in these times of austerity, and as a part of our relentless program of the destruction of everything about British society, I think it might be prudent to consider closing down some underused churches…”

BBC Lambasted for Not Broadcasting the C Word

The BBC has been lambasted after Sandy Toksvig did not use an offensive word on The News Quiz on Radio 4 last October. Specifically, Miss Toksvig quipped that, “It’s the Tories who have put the n into cuts,” in reference to cuts in child benefit.

Many MPs and campaigners are seemingly furious, claiming that the use of the phrase carries connotations of sexual abuse, whilst apparently remaining unconcerned about the actual abuse of children resultant from their policies.

John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons Culture, Media and Sport select committee, which has been responsible for a huge bunch of cuts, said, “The vast majority of people still regard this an offensive term,” possibly in reference to his government’s term in office. We weren’t really paying attention, to be honest.

The original complaint was made by Colin Harrow, a retired newspaper executive, who oversaw massive cuts during his time at Mirror Group Newspapers. Mr Harrow, who was group managing editor during the era when The Mirror published fake photos of soldiers torturing Iraqi prisoners, said that he felt the reference was unacceptable and that the BBC wasn’t living up to the expectations of its audience.

The story has been run in the press by The Mail on Sunday, who regularly bash the BBC and love to be outraged and scandalised by absolutely anything. Mail Online has been filled with ill-informed reactions indicating utter hypocrisy and a basic failure to read the story properly. Like always. Mail Group newspapers, incidentally, have been subjected to relentless cuts over the last few years.

In unrelated news, the BBC have announced that Danish-born Sandy Toksvig is to present a series of programmes on her homeland, beginning with a documentary on King Cnut. As a Danish prince, Cnut won the throne of England in 1016, since which time there have been many generations of Cnuts on these shores.